Why Do I Miss My Ex: The Science Behind a Breakup

January 22, 2024Moving On

Breakups are challenging because they subject you to an emotional rollercoaster and an overwhelming sense of loss. As the shared memories and experiences linger, they only serve to compound your pain, and you find yourself missing your ex terribly.

How can this be, you may wonder, “Why do I miss my ex when I don’t want them back?” The simple truth is the deck is biologically stacked against you following a breakup.

Dig in as we put a scientific spin on heartbreaks and explain how breakups affect the brain and drive you to wonder, “Why do I still miss my ex?” even when know you’re better off without them.

The Human Brain When Forming New Relationships

As human beings, we’re wired to thrive on emotional bonds with others. When you’re in a relationship, your brain establishes neural connections that associate your loved one with positive emotions and experiences. Thinking of them also causes your brain to release feel-good hormones to cement the bonds and attachments. In a sense, your brain rewires itself to accommodate your romantic relationship.

Understanding the Science Behind a Breakup

A breakup is a catastrophic psychological event that rapidly alters your brain chemistry. There’s a sudden drop in the feel-good hormones, which may leave you feeling sadness or depression. As such, you may obsessively scroll through their social media pictures or think about them, hoping to recapture the good feelings. Unfortunately, that novel sense of loss may trigger a chronic stress response.

You may go into a fight-or-flight mode, which floods your body with cortisol, the stress hormone, putting you in a state of high alert. In this state, you may experience headaches, have trouble sleeping, and lose your appetite. Research shows that looking at a picture of an ex-love activates the same brain sections that process physical pain, such as broken bones.

The Breakup Brain Chemistry

In a relationship, your partner becomes an integral part of your self-identity. In a word, you become addicted to having them around. That’s why you long for them after the breakup. The loss sends you into some form of withdrawal that centers on craving your ex — you’ll ache for them because they’re chemically wired in your brain.

So, don’t be too hard on yourself as you go through the “Why do I miss my ex so much?” phase. It’s all part of the healing process after ending a relationship. Your brain needs time to readjust and recalibrate your life without them. Breakup pain can prove relentless, but your breakup brain chemistry will revert to normal, and the hurt will diminish as time goes on.

How Long Does It Take to Get Over Your Ex?

Once you understand how breakups affect the brain, it’s normal to wonder how long it takes to get over a heartbreak. Research suggests it takes three months to a year for the neural connections associated with an ex to weaken and for your brain to adjust to life without them. To accelerate the adjustment process and stop chemically missing your ex, here are five proven ways to help you stop missing an ex:

Limit contact with your ex to render the neural pathways associated with them.
Engage in activities that enhance your well-being, such as hobbies, exercises, and spending time with loved ones.
Take a social media break to eliminate the temptation to spy on your ex’s account.
Use this opportunity to explore new interests, set new goals, and develop your personal life.
Turn to trusted friends, family, or therapists to help you healthily process your emotions.

If you’re having difficulty processing your emotions following a recent heartbreak, consider trying the Breakup Buddy app for support. The app provides a safe online space to help accelerate the healing process.