Does My Ex Miss Me? Combating Unhealthy Break Up Thoughts

It doesn’t matter if the relationship ended 6 months or two years ago, we’ve all been curious about the lives and feelings of exes. If you’re plagued by questions like: “Does my ex miss me?” or “How can I tell if my ex misses me?” following a breakup, it’s likely you’re still in the healing phase after your breakup. Let’s break down where these questions come from and how to resolve them. 

Why You Care If Your Ex Misses You

Questions like “Does my ex miss me even though we don’t talk?” often surface as a natural part of the healing process. Answering questions like these feel important because they’re linked to your self-esteem and self-worth — everyone seeks validation and reassurance that they’re important, loved, and valued. 

It can also stem from a fear of being forgotten or replaced. But mostly, it’s rooted in the nostalgia and comfort of being in a loving relationship. 

Following a breakup, you’ll likely experience many unpleasant thoughts and feelings. While passively wondering, “Will my ex miss me?” is normal, fixating on “How do I know if my ex misses me?” isn’t. Such a fixation may point to a deep-seated fear of being alone or abandoned and may lead to destructive behaviors. 

If you’re going through a negative thought spiral, it could mean you’re feeling incomplete without your ex. It could also mean you haven’t fully processed and grieved the loss of a relationship. Left unresolved, difficult emotions may lead to feelings of depression or trap you in a cycle of toxic relationships. 

Learning how to combat unhelpful thoughts such as “how to make my ex miss me” and replacing them with healthy ones is essential to the healing journey. 

Here are some proven ways to overcome unhealthy breakup thoughts and work through the loss of a loving relationship. 

Journal Your Thoughts 

It may seem a big ask, but journalling helps uncover unhealthy thinking patterns. Grief and sadness tend to distort your thinking and may drive you to adopt negative thinking patterns. You may find yourself routinely entertaining degrading thoughts such as being unlovable, a failure, unattractive, or unworthy of love. 

Journalling lets you spot unhealthy recurring patterns in your thoughts so you can dig into them. You’ll notice the unhelpful and unsettling things you’re telling yourself and possibly dig deeper into them. The process of writing is therapeutic and helps slow down your racing thoughts. It’s an excellent way to express your thoughts and feelings and the emotions attached to them.  

Breakup Buddy’s app has built in journaling features that allow you to track mood, activities, answer custom journaling prompts, and finds triggers for your negative moods.

Learn to Reframe Your Negative Thoughts 

Reframing unhelpful or negative thoughts whenever they arise helps keep your thinking neutral and balanced. Reframing is a cognitive technique that drives you to consciously change how you perceive and interpret thoughts and situations. 

It entails recognizing negative thoughts, challenging their validity, and finding a balanced or positive way to view the situation. Instead of thinking “I’ll never find anyone as good as them again.” you can reframe the thought based on facts to be “It may not be easy, but I found someone with their good qualities once, I can do it again. This time hopefully with fewer of their negative qualities!”

Reframing your view on breakups is essential — you may have to kiss a few frogs before meeting your prince or princess charming. So, treat every breakup as a growth opportunity. 

Practice Loving Self Talk – Friend Exercise

You’ll likely experience a considerable amount of guilt following a breakup. But some people tend to go overboard and say incredibly negative or judgmental things to themselves. Typically, these are things that you wouldn’t even say to someone else — so it’s good to practice not saying them to yourself!

Learn to practice self-love and empathy, and avoid judging yourself too harshly. A simple self-love exercise can help you shift your thinking and self talk. 

Whenever you catch yourself thinking something judgmental towards yourself, pause for a second, take a deep breath to calm your racing mind, and try this. Imagine what you would say to a friend of yours who is going through the same exact situation you are. I bet you its much nicer than what you’ve just said to yourself! Then, work on directing those nicer thoughts towards yourself.  

For instance, when you catch yourself thinking, “The breakup was all my fault.” you can show compassion, like you would to a friend and remind yourself, “Everyone makes mistakes. I did what I thought was right at the time, all I can do now is apologize, and learn from my mistakes. ”

Refocus on Yourself

When you notice your thoughts drifting to “How do I know if my ex misses me?” consciously refocus them back on you. Instead of wondering what your ex is up to, feeling, or doing, shift the thoughts back to you. 

What are you doing? Who are you relating to? What are you doing to improve your life and become someone’s dream partner? It’s helpful to focus your thoughts and efforts on building yourself up instead of obsessing over what you lost. 

Plot and Chart the Blame 

It may sound counterproductive, but a breakup is never a black-and-white affair. Therefore, heaping all the blame on yourself or your ex is unhelpful. Instead, try plotting the actions and responsibilities that led to the breakup as a pie chart. 

That’ll force you to think deeply and logically about why you broke up. The clarity can help break unhealthy thinking patterns, help you come to terms, and lay a foundation for self-improvement. 

Breakup Buddy has an interactive exercise the helps walk you through this very thought experiment!

Wrapping it Up

Coming to terms with a breakup can be a painful process. We commend you for searching for ways to make that process easier on yourself all while improving your mental health strategies for your life and potential future relationships. Best of luck on your healing journey!